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Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

Do you have those moments when you just cant stop thinking about all the things you coulda did, you woulda did, or you shoulda did? I have been having those alot these days...not sure if its because of our current reality or the newness of the year or the sadness of my days, but I just cant stop wishing I could go back...go back to a time that could re-define what my current reality is...go back to a moment that would change all that is current in my life. I would go back to June 29, 2008. I would go back...and I would pack a suitcase and I would get in my moms car with my five other family members and I would head to that airport and I would get on that airplane with my family and the rest would be history. I would do that in a heartbeat. And when I say that out loud, when I re-read that, my stomach hurts, my eyes fill with tears and a tiny piece of my broken heart falls to the huge pile of the other broken pieces at the core of my body. I would rather go back and die with them, than live without them in this reality and that is the truth. HOW CAN I SAY THAT now that I have a family of my own? I get it, my words seem awful, harsh, unloving, and dark. There are those moments...right? I cant help but think of all the things I could undo, unsee, unfeel if I just got on that darn airplane...I cant help but think of all the things my sweet little boys could escape from having to deal with...if I just got on that darn airplane. Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda.

But then...i think of all the amazing things I 'woulda' missed and 'coulda' missed..

and back to reality.

I would be lying if I said I am happy. I would be lying if I said I am faithful. I would be lying if I said God is good. Because I am not happy, I am at war with my faith and I am so angry with God, I cant even force myself to say He is good. However, when I look at the sunrise every morning, or the mountains everyday, or listen to my sweet girl laugh, or hear my 8 year old practicing bible verses with his 5 year old brother, despite the long night he had, I know He is there. I know He loves us. And as hard as it is, I will trust Him. And hopefully, one day, I will be happy again, I will be full of faith again, and I will say He is good again.

I wish more of you could really try to understand how incredibility hard my life is and has been. I could use a lot more support, love, understanding and empathy...and a whole lot less of the lack of concern, selfishness, opinions, judgments, discussions, and reminders of my shortcomings.

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