Reality is the very thing that is always testing my faith. The reality of this broken World, the reality of all the broken people in this broken World, and the reality that greets me every morning...the reality that my two boys have Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. This very reality hit hard this past Monday morning. Most mornings the heaviness of this reality gets pushed aside, and we get on with it...we pray, be positive, trust God, have breakfast, take pills, #MakeEverydayCount...so on and so forth...but Monday...it was extra heavy...extra real...extra faith testing.
Monday started like every other...we went thru all the motions, did all the things, I tried to be all the"normal" (crazy) mom I was every other morning...but when the time came to drop only Jax off at school and then head to Phoenix Children's with Mason...that reality swooped right in. The tears swooped right in. The rage. The anger. The complete and utter disbelief. The reality that Mason has been having a difficult time breathing, so we were heading to the Pulmonologist for some testing. "Lung Function Testing" to be exact..that sounds good, totally great, right?! No big deal...just my 8 year old needing tests to check on the function of vital organs in his body...that give him life. Reality. It blows. My faith is shaky. I am pissed. "God, you're doing a horrible job taking care of this daughter of yours and this son of mine"....but, I turn on the K-Love..."NOT TODAY SATAN" blah, blah, blah. This is reality.
To the appointment we go, worship music loud, Ipad charged, snacks packed, prayers constant, anger at bay.
Mason is amazing. His faith is solid, despite his reality is way worse than mine. 25 different tests, machines, plugs, cables, cords, masks, people, directions, interruptions, ect...the news we weren't really prepared for. The REALITY. The reality that yes in need, Duchenne is a thing. Duchenne is awful. I cant believe my little boy has it. But he does. And his lung function has significantly declined because of it...Not over a decent period of time, just since September. The nature of this beast...there is no time, time isn't on our side. Time sucks.
Faith vs. Reality. That's what this all comes to. Reality always will hinder faith because lets face it...reality is freakin awful. If reality was great, there would be no reason for our faith, right?!?! I use to full heartedly believe that...and believe in that....but if we are being honest...and you all know I dont sugar coat poop...I dont know anymore. Reality is hard and so is faith.
Friends, I tell you, the sadness I felt and still feel over the loss of my entire family hasn't even kinda compared to the loss I feel watching my little boys live each day with Duchenne. And that moment when they began listing the machines and equipment we would have to order and be trained to use...that sadness...only increased, which I didn't think was possible. That reality, only got worse. That faith, only got smaller. Satan, right now, seems to be winning. Reality vs. Faith. Bitter.Sweet.
So I ask you what are you doing with your time...Because time is all we have. And in reality, faith is probably the only thing that is going to get us thru it.