older. wiser.

guys, life has been hard over here.

i have tried to write time after time over the past few months, but every time i have come to sit here, I literally cannot connect my thoughts to my paper...my mind seems to be in constant overdrive, every single day...and I know its hard to believe, but it seems i have been rendered speechless.

and today, as we sat for day two at the hospital, hooked up to ivs and machines, all for this (what seems to be silly) scientific experiment, hoping to make a tiny dent in enhancing life for those living with duchenne, wondering if there is even a point to all the pain, frustration and work it takes,

i, for whatever reason, decided to read some of my previous blog posts, I mean, sometimes, i myself, have to give myself, just the right advice at just the right time...ya know what I mean?

so, as i read my last post from new years, i realized, perhaps, the reason i haven't been able to write was because God wanted me to be quiet.

After all, i haven't found one single account in the Bible of someone finding growth, by talking.

Growth always seems to take place in the moments of silence.

And wisdom does not come unless there is growth.

so, i suppose in order to grow older and become wiser, perhaps the key is to shut the hell up.

and ironically, as i have sat in my silence these last few months, i have felt change.

i have BEEN changed.

i have seen things, people, situations, differently.

i have learned what true grace is.

i have been able to distance myself from the noise of the world and find clarity on a whole new level.

In my silence, i have been forced to grow closer to the Lord, and allow my eyes to see so many things, my words seemed to be hiding from me.

and in that, i have grown.

its weird though, because although my veil has been torn off and I can finally see and write again, i have also found a new sense of sadness.

it seems, in this new found wisdom, i am able to fully see the reality of the corrupt and broken world, its people and duchenne.

I hate giving any of my attention to the things that hurt, its like I would never reward bad behavior, so why feed the negativity by giving it attention...but in this type of growth, it seems, i have realized, truth is a cornerstone. and in order to grow further, we must be quiet, yes...but also, come to complete terms with reality.

up till this year, we have done our best to LIVE with duchenne...'despite duchenne'...we have really LIVED the reality of "DO SOMETHING" and forget "CANT".

but,

growing means, realizing...

growing mean, accepting..

growing means, cutting the bull shit and getting real freaking honest.

and honestly, duchenne really has made 'doing something, anything and every-fucking-thing, really freaking hard....perhaps, even impossible.

it has really made me realize there are definitely things, we literally CAN'T do anymore...and that alone, breaks my already broken heart in so many more pieces.

if you know me, you know I have never even allowed my kids to use the words, "I CANT" in our house, our motto has always been, "CANT means you don't want to".....

but now, in our house, can't literally freaking means, I CAN'T....NO MORE.

and its actually the opposite, of not wanting to...mason the other day said, he would do anything to be able to build his lego figures again.... HE DEFINETELY WANTS TO, but because of Duchenne, he LITERALLY CANT...NO MORE.

and this my friends, is only ONE of the hundreds of things my boys CANT do...NO MORE!!

and also, its a reality I wasn't ready to accept in my silence.

but God knew i needed to, in order to grow.

to be wise, you have to be honest.

and i hate it.

i hate duchenne.

i hate reality.

i hate being older.

and wiser.

I hate being honest about some things.

sometimes the honesty, the real, the full truth and nothing but the truth doesn't really fit along side what we wish could be, or what we want to be true...

Sometimes, its just that, the truth. and it hurts.

its ugly.

its so freaking unfair.

yet, its still true...

and it sucks.

but also, what options do we have?

even in the silence, in the shit reality, we still have a CHOICE.

and i fully believe, the CHOICE we choose to make, every single day, determines how much we are able to grow, accept reality and find true wisdom.

so, for me,

for one more day,

i will make the choice to live,

to laugh,

and to love with ever fiber of my being,

and I CHOOSE to believe that i am older and wiser because of that choice.

thanks for reading.

xo