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1:16 am January 1, 2020.

I wake from a very lite sleep to the beautiful sound of my seven year old,

'Mom, I think I pee'ed the bed.'

Not just an average, hand-me-down, stained, plain ole' twin mattress bed...but a barely month old, therapeutic, gel foam, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CLEAN, adjustable mattress bed...

oh ya, I am me.


I dont know about you, but I believe in signs, I believe things happen for reasons, most unexplained to our human hearts and minds...but reasons.

and right now, at 1:30 am on New Years Day, I believe this pee'ed freakin mattress is a sign, a big, neon blinking light kinda sign that is tempting me to believe this year is going to be WAY too hard.

Tempting me to just toss in the towel, already.


Can we just go back to 2019?

I mean, it was hard, but this one, the possibilities for all the hard it will be, I just dont know if my heart can do it.

I dont want to do it.

So better yet, can we just go back to 2009, when I can make one different decision and that way all of this could be made right. I could get on that airplane with my family and forget all of this "broken World" bull crap and my sweet boys would not have to suffer...and neither would I.

If I am being honest, this pee'ed mattress literally broke me.

As I was taking sheets off as quietly as possible to not wake the other kiddo asleep in that room, I silently sobbed.

And sobbed.

And sobbed.

I hate this life.

Like, really, really hate it.

Here it is in a nutshell,

My whole family died, I had to keep living, to get married, have these beautiful babies, only to loose them slowly and painfully over the course of their short lives to this horrific disease, that has very little to no REAL support, all while having few to no people to help me, but insist they love me SO much, all while my marriage falls apart and everyday i have to sell something else just to help pay for things we currently NEED...on top on downing vitamins and begging God not to let myself or my 2 year old come down with any sickness, because we no long have health insurance, because again, we make too much money to qualify for any sort of assistance, but not even kind of enough to pay for coverage. And now somehow, we have to figure out how to make a $1000 monthly car payment to safely, reliably, and responsibly get our children around.

That's just the "gist" of my life.

And I am tired.




And this pee'ed mattress just really is not a good start to what is suppose of be the year of 'perfect vision'.


I love the idea of what this year could be.

I love the idea of what this year should be.

But I really hate the reality of what my heart is feeling this year is going to be.

So, for now, as I sit at my kitchen table, unable to sleep, as the aroma of Febreeze covered urine lingers all around me, I cling to the idea that God will provide for me....and ultimately Satans pee'ed mattress on New Years Day, may shake me, but wont completely break me.

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