As many of you know, I have experienced the feeling of true and ultimate sadness.
For the past 13 years I have lived every single day with a sadness I have still not been able to fully describe...
the loss of my mom, my dad, my sisters and my brother...
the loss of my entire immediate family all at the same time.
like seriously, can you imagine?
sit for a moment with me and close your eyes, imagine your 21 year old self saying goodbye to your parents and all your siblings as they head out of town on your dads private plane, only to realize you would never get to see them again.
you would never talk to them, touch them, hug them, smell them, feel them, hear them,
nothing more than a memory.
Literally in the blink of an eye, your entire existence up and vanished and you instantly had to become someone else and carry a burden of so much grief, so much sadness, so much pain and absolutely no one to share it with.
imagine it...can you?
yet, that was my reality.
that still is my reality.
21 years old, left to figure out life without my family, and now 13 years later, still figuring out how to live life without my family.
can you even begin to imagine this kind of sadness?
and just think, many of you didnt even know my family,
you never met them,
you have no idea just how amazing each of them truly were,
if you had known them, this loss would be even more unthinkable.
yet, this loss, was and is, my reality.
a loss like this is truly unimaginable.
a loss like this made me believe nothing worse could ever happen to me...
like after this loss, God would have favor over me or something and I would be spared of any other heartbreak in life...like happily ever after was going to be my reality...
and the rest of my life would be pretty simple...
boy was I wrong.
since that day, 13 years ago, my life has been one bad dream after another.
i mean, most of the bad things that have happened since then, have felt like "normal" bad things...
like things everyone might experience at some time in their life...
the kids being horrible,
needing a babysitter.
the ac going out,
the car broke down,
the loss of a job,
the unfaithful spouse,
the loss of A loved one,
the unpaid bills,
and on and on it goes...
these 'normal' bad things, bring all sorts of emotions, right?
they bring all sorts of sadness...
yes they were all hard, some unbearable, but life happens...right...?
and then 2018 started.
and another kind of sadness came,
a sadness that cant even begin to compare to the unthinkable sadness after the death of my family or the 'normal' sadness of all of lifes' challenges...
a sadness, that has slowly been consuming my whole being since it started...
a sadness, I am terrified, will never subside, but only continue to get worse...
and has only gotten worse, since it started.
a sadness, everyone just sits by and watches as it takes you over...
can you imagine?
MORE sadness after the unthinkable?
MORE sadness after all the 'normal'?
But today, that's where I find myself.
consumed with MORE sadness.
a different kind of sadness...
a sadness much worse than I have ever experienced before, one I still have not been able to fully describe...or wrap my mind around.
a sadness, i try so hard to hide,
a sadness, I try so hard to fight...
but this sadness of watching my kids slowly die in front of me, is one that not even faith can conquer.
its a sadness, no amount of alcohol, drugs, self love, physical activity, alone time, friends or even my family could ever make any easier.
a sadness, i wish on no one.
a sadness that has changed me, and truthfully, not for the better.
and these last few weeks has been the hardest weeks of my life...
as a parent, we never want to see our kids struggle, but with duchenne, every single thing, of every single day is a struggle...
and for me.
I am one person, doing everything for everyone.
with more grief, and more sadness than anyone could even begin to understand or relate to...
with absolutely no one and no help.
this kind of sadness changes you.
and if you loved me,
you would notice that.
and you would be here.
especially because you know my family isnt.
people always ask, how I remain faithful,
and the answer is always the same,
because there is literally no other way to explain how I survive.
I recently did a bibical writing course, and in it they emphasized on if you want to be a successful writer, you must always write about things your readers want to read about and always end your writing with something empowering and/or uplifting...and a part of me agreed, but then I got to thinking, my life is full of ups and downs...and if I want to be known for being my real, authentic self, it is just not possible to ALWAYS write what everyone wants to read...and it is just not possible to ALWAYS end my writing with some empowering, uplifting message, successful or not, because, lets face it, life doesnt work that way...life is freakin hard, my life especially and yes I am a faithful person, I owe my life to Jesus, literally...however, HE loves me for exactly WHO i am and where I am...and that includes all the hard things that no one wants to read about, and my sometimes less than uplifting endings....and if you dont want to read the truth, or if you are looking for some firework ending every single time, you might not want to read this blog. And if I am only successful in writing the truth and still finding my way to Jesus, than I think that is all the success I will seek.
i know, its not the best ending,
not the most uplifting or empowering message,
but its real,
and im sharing it,
with the tiniest of hope,
that if you, are indeed experiencing a different kind of sadness...
one you think could be the end of you,
one you might be thinking you just cant survive,