At the end of every year, we all have these grand ideas for what the new year is going to be...
what the new year is going to look like...
what it will bring,
and leave behind...
The end of the year is always filled with so much hope for the new year, yet, most of us, though, our intentions are good, tend to fall back into the rut of that previous year...
regardless of those good intentions.
i mean, life happens, right?
a month or so in, our resolutions fall behind, our diets get old and our life continues on...exactly how it had the year before.
and then we give up.
the bright and shiny newness wears right off...
the hope disappears,
and life goes on.
these past few months, that's where I have been....
throwing in the towel.
begging God to end, what was suppose to be a bright and shiny new year...
this year, so far, has been everything but bright and shiny,
it has been nothing more than another new year....
our third new year, with duchenne, to be exact.
and so far, this new year, hand in hand with duchenne, has taken parts of me, my heart, and my soul, that Im certain will never be recovered.
Giving up has been the only option this year, there is no fighting duchenne anymore.
It just wont stop.
two years ago, i was full of sadness, but so much hope...we had a community and determination that we were going to really "do something" before it was too late.
this year, we have no community or determination and all im full of is sadness and acceptance.
acceptance that all the 'somethings' we can do, are just a bunch of nothings.
because the reality of duchenne is nothing, those somethings, will ever be able to fix.
And it is simply the worst feeling in the entire world.
duchenne. there is just no fighting it.
not even a bright and shiny new year.
and as I ponder that we are only four short months into this new year...
this new year, though not bright and shiny, has, indeed, been one full of some somethings...
not the somethings that will ever bring back Masons ability to walk,
or the somethings that will make Jaxtons decline any less,
or the somethings that will put an end to this horrible disease for all boys for all time...
a few somethings that have made us laugh so hard we have almost pee'ed our pants,
a few somethings that have allowed us to live in the freedom of 'dying tomorrow',
and a few somethings that have helped our hearts forgive easier, love better, and understand what faith REALLY is.
and as I ponder these somethings, i realize, these past four months haven't been that bad afterall, because among our pee'ed pants, our new freedom, our new forgiveness, our new love and and our solid faith, we have also learned how to survive...survive a life, that is so difficult, so lonely, and so isolating, that most people would simply rather jump off a cliff...a life most people would have no other choice than to give up on.
im not most people,
Im obviously way crazier.
So if you want to hang out, text me. :)
There is a passage of scripture i have recently read,
"But if i go to the east, he is not there; if i go to the west, i do not find him. When he is at work in the north, i do not see him, when he turns to the south, i catch no glimpse of him..."
I have read the book of Job and this verse many times, never to really understand it, until recently...I was reading a devotional and the author explained the passage in this way,
"In this passage, (Job 23:8-11), Job is speaking of the creation surrounding him...he could see with his very eyes, the works of God, it wasnt a matter of whether or not God was present, Job KNEW He was....the issue was, Job NOT seeing God AT work in his own life."
and it just clicked, in all the moments I have 'given up' this new year, I have been failing to see God at work in MY LIFE, not because I was faithless, but because i was so faithFUL in the constant reminders of His works from the mountain tops, to the stranger who held the door, to the three year olds statement of "i love you to the moon and the stars", to the worship song that says exactly the right thing at exactly the right time...I want to see those 'breathtaking' works in the hardness, in the tears, in duchenne..in MY LIFE...but most days, I just dont.
So, even though it is not a monday, or a new year, or the first morning hour of the day,
today, i am going to make a new resolution...
to simply TRY and see the work God IS doing in MY life, in the hardness, in the tears, and in duchenne.
and instead of giving up, again and again,
again, and again,
and if I can, so can you.