Rain. Such a bittersweet thing. And more often than not the sun always shines again after the rain. Sometimes is takes longer than other times, but sunshine always comes again. At least thats what I like to believe.
Everyday life is hard...for everyone. I get it. We all have rain. We all have hardship. We all have troubles. But if you know me, you know my life has been one of many unique down pours. And honestly, I am feeling so stuck in this current storm of sadness.
And I just dont think i can swim against the flood waters anymore.
I am so tired.
And I feel so childish saying that, I feel so lame wishing I had my momma to cuddle up with on the couch until the storm passes. I feel so weak feeling so lonely.
But this is where I am.
I had a pretty amazing childhood, I had amazing parents, beautiful home, lots of love, laughs and food. We went on so many vacations, we had tons of fun. I would say I was pretty '#blessed' if you will. But as I made my way to junior high and high school, I had a hard time with my peers. I was bullied and made fun of for various things, I got into fights and made plenty of bad choices. I have always had a love for music, and it was around this time I started listening to some more heavy metal and really started down this weird path of anger. I hated school and I hated pretty much all the people there. But my music was like therapy, I would just wear my headphones and go about my days, to graduate early and get the hell out. And thats exactly what I did. It wasnt easy, there were so many times, I had thought about and wished I could just die. Despite how amazing my life was at that time. I hated school so much, Que my loud, angry music... I just thought It would be better if I put an end to it all. To think, I thought my life was so hard back then.
Fast forward, 2008. I dont think I will ever forget that day. I was sitting at a coffee shop, with this awful gut feeling that something was wrong...and then I seen the cops walk in and its one of those things, you just know...and sure enough they came to inform me of "an accident". I remember I tried to run...like if i ran I didn't have to deal with it. I tried to run onto the busy road outside of the coffee shop patio wall...but those cops made me deal with it...my whole family died. Que my loud angry music...I just couldn't help but believe it would be better to end it all. To think, I thought my life was so hard then.
Fast forward, 2018. Duchenne. Both of my boys. No family.
At the beginning, I was dealing....Que uplifting worship music.
There are always tons of people at the funeral...
But lately, I have been fading.
And if I am honest, it was much easier to be sad back in the day of high school, because I just had to deal at school and then I got to go home...out of sight out of mind. But nowadays...i am constantly being reminding of all the people who just dont care about me. I have over 500 facebook friends and when I get 2 likes or 1 comment on posts, yes pathetic, but yes reality...its freaking HURTS. especially when I notice my "friends" comment and post on everyone else posts. Its like a reminder that I am not part of the cool kids in the cafeteria.
Only this time, I dont have a mom to call and cry to.
I have no one. No one real that is.
QUE loud, angry music.
And thats where I am.
Loud angry music.
One year after the funeral...no casseroles, no pie, no people.
Everyone always gets to go back to their life.
And then this past week, I heard this thing and I just cant shake it. And it has made me turn up the volume on my loud, angry music. And stand, frozen while the rain just pours on me.
=God was just winning a bet with Satan while Job suffered, over and over again.=
I cant help but dwell on that. And it just makes me more angry at God.