Hi friends! Been a while.
As many of you know, life has surely been hard these past few months.
The darkness has been dark.
Its been cold.
Its been lonely.
Its been exhausting.
Duchenne has not let up.
Its Soul Crushing.
Our hearts are bleeding, and life is just carrying on.
And all we can do is wait for Jesus.
And live as best as we possibly can.
One day at a time.
while Duchenne rides shotgun.
This past weekend, for the first time in a long time, I seen a light.
I know clique' right?
But not a light from the lamp on the table or the fixture above the sink, but a 'burning bush' kinda light.
Like a God speaking, kinda light.
And I know it sounds crazy..but Im sure many of you think alot of what I say/write sounds crazy, so I figured it would be in good company.
An Ah Ha Moment. if you will
I have been selfish.
I have been mean.
I have not been who Christ died for me to be.
I have not been who God has called me to be.
And as that 'bush burned' I realized so many things.
I am over being selfish.
I am over being mean.
I am over wasting my energy on trying to make people choose us.
Be here with us.
I am over trying to guilt people into a relationship with us.
And I am just over being mad.
And at people.
As 'that bush burned' it became very clear to me that Duchenne was here to stay and my family was in Heaven to stay.
And no matter how angry I am, no matter how mean I was, no matter how selfish I became...Duchenne wasnt leaving and my family wasnt returning.
But as 'that bush burned' I also realized, God was here to stay too.
No matter how angry I am, no matter how mean I was, and no matter how selfish I became...God wasnt leaving.
But I had to CHOOSE to let Him stay.
No matter what was happening around us, God was there.
No matter who left us, God didnt.
No matter how dark our life had become, God always brought a tiny speck of light.
And for the first time in a long time, I felt some peace in JUST that.
And the phrase, "not my will" became so much more clear.
On this particular day, Duchenne had been winning. It had stolen my will to be happy and Masons will to be happy and as we sat in church service, he in ours, instead of his, I just starred at him, with his arms folded and so much anger resting on his sweet face, I, for a second, saw a glimpse of what he had been seeing in me...
And it broke me.
I was failing him.
As his mom.
I had become so consumed with my own pity party, I failed to even consider how to help him get out of his. I had become obsessed with making sure everyone knew and understood HOW much I had lost...HOW much I had been thru...that I couldnt FULLY see the reality of what he was loosing and what he was going thru.
How dare I.
My heart hurt more while realizing this than it had ever hurt before.
and that bush burned and burned.
Reality became so clear.
God spoke so loud.
MISSY...GET OVER YOURSELF.
I kid you not, I heard those four words.
And as I looked at Mason again, I knew this was a do or die kinda moment.
It was me or my kids.
It was my feelings or theirs.
My past or their future.
What I have been thru and what I go thru is so much more than any one human should ever have to go thru for sure...but what these boys are going thru, is far more than I could ever even phathom. And there was just no room for my selfishness anymore.
So in that moment, the light, the bush, whatever it was, I tossed in the towel on my narcissistic behavior and attitude.
I had to choose them.
I had to love them.
I had to create a new future for them, than what I was seeing as I looked at my sweet boy at that moment.
See our pastor always says, our calling in this life is simple...we gotta love God and love people.
And I realized, I was failing at both.
See, I have had a hard time forgiving God, which now I see also made it difficult to forgive others..which then made it impossible to love either.
MISSY...GET OVER YOURSELF.
I heard it again.
I guess this is what it truly feels like to be a mom.
I think this is what it truly feels like to be an adult.
I am certain this is what it feels like to truly surrender.
Not my will, Lord.
So, here I sit.
White flag and all.
Clueless as to what Duchenne will bring tomorrow.
Missing my family terribly.
BUT trusting God full-heartedly.
And as we enter this holiday season, normally I would be consumed with everyone who should be here, who would be here, who could be here, and waste so much of my energy on being angry with them and then point my finger at God in rage...
and que...poor, poor Missy mode...
but this year...
I am entering the season different...
I am entering the season with forgiveness.
I am entering the season ready and willing to fufill my purpose...
To love God
To love people.
And that is it.