When my dad was alive he really lived every day in a way that he could die at any given moment and it would have all been worth it. He enjoyed his life, he understood what it meant to really be happy, to live life to the full, to be unafraid. And as his kid, I got to experience so many amazing things and places...because of his simple mentality of living.
Now, don't misunderstand me here, my dad was CHEAP. We went to amazing places, because he found amazing deals, or wheeled and dealed discounts...we had lots of "toys" because he bought old and used ones and fixed them up! He did not believe in material things or name brand things, he believed in FUN. And I think this really helped with keeping us a bit on the humble side...spoiled, but humble. It also taught us that money really cant buy happiness...
And as a kid, some of my best memories are on our old boat at the lake, together, in the 200 degree weather. I can still hear my dad yelling back to me from the boat, as I sit on the tube in the water, "I GOT A NEED...FOR SPEED" and then he would take off...again, completely unafraid of what was to come.
Those memories. Bitter.Sweet.
And boy, do I miss him. And hearing those words. His voice. Everything.
I feel like up until January of last year, we were just going thru the motions of life...not REALLY living. Afraid of all the 'what ifs'...what if the car breaks down, or something happens. What if I loose my job, what if the SRP bill is more than budgeted...what if...what if...what if..
And there are so many things we haven't done yet, we haven't seen yet, the boys haven't experienced yet because of those "what ifs" and because of our fear of those "what ifs".
Then, those 'what ifs' no longer even mattered, the fear of using our AC, didn't consume us anymore, but the fear of our kids death did. And we realized all the things we were missing out on because of the silly 'what ifs' and the fear that came with them. And then it really hit us, what if the boys die before they ever get to live? What if Duchenne takes them before we get to enjoy life with them? What if...what if...what if...and fear.
So recently, we decided we were going to have as much fun as possible, no matter how hard it was going to be, no matter how many what ifs we had or how afraid we were...
So first things first, we bought a boat.
Like my dad, we bought an old, used, cheap boat...but hey...we will have way more fun not worrying about the paint job or the carpet.
And Dave Ramsey would approve.
Afterall, the boys could care less about what it looks like, they just "got a need for speed" and this boat, satisfies that need.
This past weekend, we took the boat out for the first time, and yes it was hard. We have to do things very different to accommodate the boys physical limitations, however, seeing them sit in the front, wind in their hair, arms raised, and full face smiles; makes it worth every second. Worth every penny. Worth every bit of fear and every what if.
And in that moment, I realized so many things. I felt completely unafraid of anything.
In that moment, nothing else mattered...except those sweet little kids of ours...
*Yes, most days I do fantasize about life without kids, a clean house, abs, a job, a title, way more money and way less stress, aggervation and tears...*
HOWEVER...those sweet kids of ours have given us more love and purpose than anything else ever could.
In that moment, It was clear why God chose us to be their parents.
In that moment, it was clear that no job, paycheck, person, fear, what if, or disease was going to get in our way of FUN, anymore.
The saying is true, life is short, and with Duchenne, it is only shorter. Time isn't on our side, health isn't on our side, but FUN is on our side and so is Jesus and we are going to do everything in our power to have as much fun as we possibly can this summer.
Ironically, this past weekends church sermon, referenced Peter and his walking on the water with Jesus. How to live your life "unafraid" because we were born to be brave.
This is hard with fear.
This is hard with all the what ifs.
This is hard with Duchenne.
But, "If you want to walk on water, you gotta get out of the boat"
If you want to have FUN, you have to forget the 'what ifs' and just decide to LIVE!
Money cant buy happiness, but it sure can buy a boat.
And if you want to walk on the water...you kinda need a boat to get out of.