Only eight days into the the new year and I have already tossed in the towel about ten times. I already feel defeated. I have already cried thousands of tears. I have already raised my voice at the kids, the husband and the dog. I have ALREADY missed a day of the new devotional. I have already failed at most of my resolutions. I have already ate about 3 dozen cookies, 10 Reese Trees, and I have already NOT exercised once. ONLY EIGHT DAYS IN. Only eight days of 2019 and I am ready for 2020...NO, actually I am ready for Jesus to return already...anyone else know how this feels? Perhaps not, but for me that is the reality so far. The difference between this time and most others, is this time, I am not going to beat myself up about feeling this way, I am not going to worry about what anyone may think or say about my feeling this way..because this is a NEW YEAR...and I am so tired of worrying about what others think...so can all the perfect people reading this please exit stage left, this is now a no judging or judgment zone.
Okay all my imperfect friends, now I can be really real...I recently took a break from social media, it was nice. Honestly it helped me in ways I didnt know I needed, but mostly it helped me release some of the obsession I found myself in after following all the different groups surrounding Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. The cold reality of the disease is evident every single day in our house as I watch both my little boys wither away right in front of me. But the cold realities of other boys further along with the disease and their reality is something I didnt know could affect me so deeply and the darkness I didnt know could be so dark. So, a break is what I needed. I know many people on my social media accounts tend to have displeasing feelings regarding the things I post at times, but whats interesting is during my month off, I also realized I have many other people who "enjoy" reading my posts, who are encouraged by my words, who are given hope by my faith. I got many messages, calls and even notes in Christmas cards asking where I was, people missed my posts, people missed my updates, my truths...people missed me. And to know I was missed, that my posts were speaking to people, really allowed me to see more clearly what God is calling me to. To speak life to others is to speak truth to others. And my truths are hard, my days are hard, my losses are so hard. And therefore some of my posts are also going to be hard, but they have been and always will be REAL. Speak life...speak truth.
Today as I drove to the grocery store, the song "Speak Life" by Toby Mac came on, I have heard this song many times before, but for some reason this time I heard it differently. This time, it spoke life to me...
"Look into the eyes of the broken hearted, watch them come alive as soon as you speak hope"
I realized I am not the only person with a severely broken heart, but my hope in Christ is truly the only thing that gets me thru the days, my hope in Christ is really the only explanation as to how I get thru my days and if I dont share that, I miss the opportunity to see others find that hope too. I miss the chance to watch them "come alive" so who am I to tell God I wont keep doing that? Who am I to listen to what those "perfect" people say about me and their dis-satisfaction with my truths, when I can just listen to what God says to me and trust His plans?
So yes, only eight days in and I already feel defeated...that is true...BUT I still have hope. I still have truth. I still have life and I have to share it.
Over and Out.