I am a bit all over the place these days...the emotions are fierce, the tears seem never ending and life just really seems so hopeless.
Not a second goes by that my heart doesn't physically bring me pain because of how broken it is.
Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.
My family resides in Heaven.
And I feel so alone in this crappy little life.
And that is just the simple truth.
I try my best to find the good, to see Him, to seek Him, to try to be positive, serve others, be grateful... But then all I have to do is look at my sweet boys face and be reminded of our ugly reality. And I hate it. I miss the days when I could look at Mason and not be tormented by the truth of this ugly disease. I miss the days when everything seemed so easy...the grief of missing my family was nothing compared to the grief i feel when watching my boys.
And NO ONE seems to understand. Or even want to try. Or just be here.
I have had "friends" look at me with tears pooling my eyes, and they just carry on.
I miss having someone know me well enough to know, I am just not okay right now.
I miss my mom.
I miss my sisters.
I miss my family.
I miss the life that I SHOULD be living.
A life with people who know me. Who love me unconditionally. Who look at me and know if I need a hug or a night out. And then do both. No matter how busy their life is. And no matter how much I hate hugs.
I feel so gypped in life. It just really is not fair.
I often wonder if I am just too broken for people? Too sad? Too much? I often wonder who would even notice if I just packed up and headed to a foreign land and started over.
If only I had a Men In Black Pen to erase my memories.
A nice sandy beach sure sounds good right now, especially as we look at all the different options for pool lifts.
Yes, how lucky are we? We get to come up with a few pretty pennies to purchase our first pool lift. How exciting.
Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy....quickly getting comfortable in my boys. And I hate it.
Among so many things lost this past year, Masons ability to climb a simple pool ladder is one of them. He can no longer get himself into or out of our above ground pool. Watching him try, is honestly enough to end it all. That physical heart pain i told you about, soon might just cause a heart attack.
I just cant.
And no one seems to get it. Or care to. Or try to.
While everyone else gets to plan summer vacations, we are selling things to afford all the 'stuff' our kiddos need to survive life, and summer with Duchenne. Trying to still give them the best life possible, before the inevitable.
I have never been a jealous person, until lately. I am totally being honest and vulnerable right now...but the reality is real. And I really hate the way I have been feeling.
Jealously is ugly.
So is Duchenne.
And now I am dealing with both.
That heart pain....always. hurts.
I dont even know why I feel i should share this all with you...honestly because I am not really sure anymore if my words even matter to people...but i do feel better writing. So I guess, if you dont like what I write, dont read it anymore.
I need people, but I am so tired to begging, explaining, comparing, and pretending.
Just be a decent human. Just be real. Just be here.
Summer time and pool lifts...they just shouldn't go together.