Recently I read this question,
"If all your prayers were answered, would the whole World be changed or just your own?"
And honestly, I paused for a while to really let that sink in...
I mean, who wants to admit when they are being selfish...
Maybe even a bit narcissistic...
I follow Jesus. I am too "good" to be selfish.
Could it be...just maybe its one of the many reasons why I need Him?
Could it be...just maybe selfishness is the very thing that hinders my faithfulness to Him?
And could it be...I am not alone in this?
Would your prayers change the whole World?
Because mine...(mostly) wouldnt.
I hate selfishness, I hate narcissism...
Like really.... Just ask my kids...
One of the most common questions in our house is, 'are you being selfish right now?'
And, trust me, we know ALOT of really selfish people.
I wont name names...because that's just kinda rude...
but, selfishness is ugly. It looks ugly. It smells ugly. and I am sure it tastes ugly.
I hate it.
Yet, its way too common of a human personality trait.
And if we are disciples of Christ, we all should hate this very common, but ugly character flaw. And if we are disciples of Christ, we should do better to help tame the ugliness. We should all be better friends. Better wives. Better husbands. Better people. We should always ask ourselves 'what would Jesus do?' because ultimately, we are ALL disciples of Christ. Even if we dont know it yet, He died for ALL OF US.
So, shouldn't we...do better and be better at not being so selfish?
To admit I was becoming a bit of what I hated was a tough pill to swallow.
But when I really took inventory of my prayers...there was just no denying the truth.
But then my bitterness snuck in at the same damn time...I was ENTITLED to my selfishness.
I mean, have you met me? Have you heard about me? I dont want to brag or anything...but my life was sort of a freak show.
SO many things have happened.
SO much tragedy.
SO much sadness.
SO many unreal tasks that I have been handed to handle...
I should be famous. I should be rich. I should be something because of all I have been thru.
But, I'm not. I'm not famous. I'm not rich. I am not anything, but an unlucky girl who has basically lost everything already and is now slowly loosing everything else.
And its just not fair.
So, God owes me. I am allowed to be selfish. I am entitled to be a jerk.
At least, maybe, right now.
Especially, THIS month.
Duchenne in June is just especially awful.
Reliving the loss of my family, this month, eleven years ago, this year.
All while I watch my boys loose so much of their physical identity.
God can change it.
But He isn't.
And I am selfish.
I am entitled.
Selfishness hindering my faithfulness...isnt that interesting.
My prayers would (MOSTLY) only change my World..it is true, but I am praying.
And that counts.
And June is only 30 days.
So if you are my friend, you should cut me some slack.
If you are my friend, you wont leave me, like so many already have.
If you are my damn friend, you will stop judging me and start loving me better!!
And that is just the reality of being a disciple of Christ.
Its not easy, its not pretty, its not fair.
Sometimes we are going to be selfish.
Sometimes we just need people to understand that and be a little more selfLESS.
A family to remember: The Pitts Family
June 29th, 2008 my beautiful family, got on a single engine airplane and instead of landing in Chicago, IL they landed in Heaven. Together. Without me.
My mom, Marian
My dad, Jay
My younger sister, Jessy 18
My youngest sister, Jen 16
My only baby brother, Jeremy 14
Life isnt fair.
But, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18 niv