Two months in quarantine...
and no end in sight.
This has been so much more difficult than I could have ever imagined.
I cant believe i thought my life was hard two months ago...
Take me back there.
Two months ago, I thought the kids at school all day and a two hour gym break just wasnt enough...
here I am.
Over 1300 hours in and I am totally spent.
now, I got no school,
no hours away,
no breathing room,
just me, myself, my thoughts,
and my kids.
all day. everyday.
plus a dog.
divided by Duchenne.
This equation, if the math is done correctly, equals a completely depleted human being.
And I am that completely depleted human.
I got nothin.
And it seems that saying "you cant pour from an empty cup" just isnt true.
I am pouring...
And if im honest, I hate that no one seems to care.
I have realized people only REALLY care as much as they are affected...and the reality is, no one in my current life is actually REALLY affected by my situation...so they really dont have any reason to REALLY care...THAT much.
It makes sense. Right?
And I get it.
But it still hurts. alot.
And it only makes the loss of my family so much more significant.
Because they would REALLY care.
They would be REALLY affected by Duchenne.
They would notice my empty pouring.
And knowing my mom, she would just move into our house to be quarantined with us.
And boy oh boy, does the thought of that make all of this that much more difficult.
What life is supposed to be vs. what life actually is.
Isnt it crazy how over night life can be completely flipped upside down?
I have had my life flipped more times than I like to remember, and each time I recall telling myself the same thing...
I CANT DO THIS.
Yet, here I am writing about it.
All of it.
I did do it.
All of it.
And its not because i am some super natural being, it is because of God.
Trust me, I know this sounds so cliche', but its true.
Gods presence and existence is the sole reason I am here today, still surviving my life and all of the flips I keep waking up to.
There is simply, no other explanation.
And even though I may be angry, sad, frustrated and feel hopeless some (most) of the time, it doesnt change the fact that I know, without a doubt, God is in control. And I know, without a doubt He loves me. And He has some reason for all of this. And it WILL be worth it.
But life is so hard. even with faith.
However, it is those with great faith who CAN DO all of the things they once yelled they couldn't. And I am certain, this quarantine thing will be one of those things.
This past week, a wise person said she just decided to accept the fact that this is her life now...and I think that is exactly what I have been fighting. I dont want to accept the loss of my family, the lack of decent people, and the awful reality of Duchenne.
Why would I?
It all sucks.
But I think the only way to really be able to DO THIS, is to accept it.
All of it.
For exactly what it is.
And in that acceptance is where I found a new sense of freedom.
And if you are struggling right now, or doubting, or rolling your eyes at all the perfect moms and their home-school schedules, with Bible readings and science projects on social media, know you are NOT alone.
My head hurts from my eye rolls.
And the reality of that is, it is NOT reality.
And God doesn't want us to be those perfect moms or people or Christians. He knows, this is hard, and it probably is just going to get harder, and no matter how loud we scream we CANT DO THIS, He will keep reminding us WE CAN and that is the best reality we could ever accept.
I leave you this song to check out!