If you know me, you know I am emotional.
If you know me, you know I cry in pretty much every movie. I have even found myself tearing up watching The Office at times...
Dont judge me.
If you know me, you know what you see is pretty much what you get. And sometimes, that is not the most beautiful expression of who God created me to be...but I am human and I do have flaws.
So do you.
If you know me, you know my love language is music...even though technically it is not a love language according to Gary Champan...BUT it should be. And music does things that words dont even come close to doing.
I love music.
And sometimes there are songs you hear and the lyrics do something more to you than other lyrics of other songs.
You hear the words on a much different level.
They are more powerful.
Right now there is a country song titled, "Whiskey Glasses" and yes, it technically is a 'break up song' but for some reason, its 'one of those songs' that makes me feel 'those feelings'.
And perhaps it makes sense, because honestly, I would love to break-up with life right about now.
The main chorus says...
"I'ma need some whiskey glasses
'cause i dont wanna see the truth."
And that's where I am, this place where I just dont want to see the truth of this life anymore.
They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and usually you add ice...but for right this minute, I have a different image when I think of "whiskey glasses"...
The ones I am referring to right now...go on my face, not in my hand..
and alot like sunglasses block the sun, these whiskey glasses block reality,
"cause I dont wanna see the truth"
They mask my pain.
They hide my tears.
And they minimize the devastation of my life.
These whiskey glasses would make it easier for people to be around me. because lets face it, people dont want to see my truth either.
Interesting isnt it, both types of whiskey glasses are capable to doing the same thing.
If only the ones for my face existed or the ones for my hands didnt make me sick.
That reality thing always gets in the way.
See, its not that I JUST have one kid with Duchenne,
Its not that I JUST have two kids with Duchenne,
Its not that I JUST have an almost two year old,
Its not that I JUST have to live everyday with the grief of loosing my whole family,
Its not that I JUST have to live with the truth of my husbands past affair,
or the fact that I am constantly being called to forgive people, who just keep hurting me.
Its not JUST that people keep offering to be here, but never follow thru.
Its not JUST that my living family and inlaws are uninterested and always unavailable to be in our life.
Its not JUST that we are broke all the time and the expenses just never go away,
Its not JUST that I am a mom, and #momlife is hard.
Its not JUST the "normal" difficulties of life...and everyone has em'.
Its ALL of these combined together, on top of so much more.
Its ALL of these combined together, with Satan camped out in the back of my mind.
Its ALL of these combined together, with the news playing all the horrific things going on in the World.
Its ALL of these combined together, with NO ONE, except for the strangers I pay, to talk to, cry around, or laugh with.
Its ALL OF THESE combined together, every.single.day, on my own.
And Its alot.
Its so much that i am certain any human, on their own would NOT be able to bear the weight of it all.
There is something much bigger at work.
There is something keeping me going.
Something getting me out of bed every morning.
And this is why I find my faith only getting stronger.
Now, dont misunderstand me,
I am struggling.
I am so angry with God.
I am so angry with people.
And the fact that I cry to him, and nothing changes,
And I reach out to people and no one reaches back,
mostly has increased my anger...and my tears.
but you know what else...
it has also increased my time with Him and decreased my time begging people to love me.
And that has been a beautiful thing for my insides.
Whiskey glasses, wouldnt they be nice when life is just so hard?
I cant help but say, YES.
But then, just like taking sun glasses off after being out in the sun for awhile, the sting of the brightness is brutal.
And just like waking up with a hangover after too many whiskey shots, the sting of the hangover is brutal...
And the idea just no longer sounds as good to me.
Reality cant be escaped.
Reality cant be edited.
Reality is most of the time hard.
But reality is life.
And Living life thru whiskey glasses would mean not REALLY living at all.
And as much as I would love to break up with life, that is just not an option.
So I will keep hoping for Jesus to return.
This World to end.
To see my family again.
To see my boys run, jump and climb again.
And I will keep crying out to God, because even though He is silent and nothing seems to be changing, I know He is the reason I am able to keep going....
Especially without whiskey glasses.